Stress Cycle

Twist, turns, up and downs--life is a roller coaster.

I never know how the course ahead will make me feel

And when it slows down

There is always that unexpected jolt

Just when you think its over it takes off again

Full speed ahead...



I am sure you saying to yourself, another poem? Yep friends, family, ladies and gentlemen another poem. A poem created by a tree diagram I created when I was lost, trying to find balance. This is a rarity that I allow folks into my truth, up and personal all up in my space. To visit a place no one has ever been. It is uncomfortable because it leaves me open and vulnerable. But ya know...I am ME, so deal with it! Some people say its bipolar but I call it life. Not that play play fairy tale farce of make believe but the real deal. Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge.

This stress tree was hard and it actually brings a tear to my eyes when I read it. Looking back now on all that I was going through, I am shocked! People do not realize the impact that stress has on the mind, body and spirit.  During that period in time I was severely homesick; my children were beating me up mentally because I up rooted them from their home, family and friends. Nothing I did was right; it was constant complaining, behavior issues and myself to deal with. Life was hard.  All that stress manifested itself in many ways, HIVES…I survived on benedryl oral and topical, but imagine hives in your eye lids, on your tongue on the bottom of your feet even in the crack of your ass.  I resorted to steroid shots so I could work, it was bad yawl. Bad. Then to make matters worse, I started having attacks which in my mind were heart attacks. It all started with pains in my chest, shortness of breath, dizziness (I even passed out a few times) and stomach issues that caused diarrhea. Bad. Then the big one hit (after a major child incident) and I thought I was going to join Red Fox and Elizabeth in heaven. My then boyfriend Larry rushed me to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack…..nope no heart attack; it was the almighty Acid Reflux. That was the day I realized that my body was turning against me.  After all I did for my body eating right, excising, it betrayed me when I needed the most. Stress took away my freedom to live normally, my quality of life; I literally thought I was dying…hence at this point I am depressed.

Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard, right? A lot of people do a combination of the following work, pay bills, take care of kids, go to school, cook, clean, entertain, etc and things are fine. Folk’s men and woman balance multiple tasks depending on their role and place in life. Not me, life took a bite out of my ass and almost took me down during that time. The emotional turmoil impacted me physically and my quality of life diminished over night. Life as I new it, this new life I wanted for my family was a train wreck waiting to happen.

Me? I have always been a fighter. In my journey, I have made some stoooopid mistakes with men, money and otherwise but I have proven I am not no punk!  Every step I took was a lesson and within these lessons the challenges were hard. Leaving a dysfunctional marriage, moving to a new state, and moving into my new single parent role. I felt I was in the boxing ring of life…I had a few hits that knocked me down but before the ref got to 10 I was up bouncing again ready to face the next blow or duck and weave.  It was a point where I felt there was no hope, my future was uncertain and I was afraid to tell my family I had failed. I was afraid to ask for help AGAIN after they had joined forces with my friends to help me move to a fresh start. I had no one. At least that is how I felt at the time. Helpless, homeless and weak.  

In the same moment that I almost excepted defeat I evaluated my life. I took step outside of myself to see what the hell was going on. 1.) I allowed my kids to hold me hostage with their inability to accept change.  And they used my guilt to move me around like puppet. They basically took advantage of my weak state and got buck wild. ‘Play your position’ 2.) I refused to except change when it came to my job.  The new job was not the old job. The culture was different, these folks were not my friends and did not care whether I lived or died. Once I accepted my place it became easier to sustain my sanity. ‘Know your place’ 3.) I had to learn to trust myself. Trust my decisions, trust my judgment, and trust that I made the right decision for my family sake. Trust my heart. ‘Accept who you are and trust it’

After a come to Jesus with myself and a few moments of clarity I finally started to move in the right direction.  Looking back on this stress tree makes me sad because it was a very low point in my life, but it also makes me happy because I am a SURVIVOR and I survived and will continue to survive!

Destiny Child said it best:

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)