Writing Exercise

The Traffic Cop in the Hotel with a Wedding Ring

We don’t get many visitors here at the Shady Hill Hotel this time a day.  Needless to say I was quite perturbed that my game show done gone and got interrupted by the loud bell when the door opened.  “Humph, it’s a cop”, I said under my breath, thinking did Ida Mae pay dem darn parking tickets today. Something about this fella got me mighty curious and a bit apprehensive about approaching him to rent a room. He was a real peculiar fella and drunk if I do say so myself. He just stood at the counter with that lil black velvet like box in his hand mumbling words beyond my comprehension.  I didn’t want to disturb his conversation with himself so I approach cautiously and said “Hey there fella, what can I do fer ya”. He gazed up at me with the reddest blood shot eyes I ever witness in all my years of livin, spittle was on his lower lip and some snot lingering between his nose and lip, and he slurred “you want this wedding ring?” I treaded carefully not sure of this fellas angle, so I said “um no sir, but thank ya kindly my wife of 45 years wouldn’t like it much if I just showed up with a ring and not her lottery tickets”. If looks could kill I’d be road kill simmering in the hot desert on the 95 freeway. He just stared, did not say a word, and just stared intensely with sorrow and pain in them beady red eyes. I cleared my throat as best I could, opened my mouth to say something when he turned and walked out, got in his squad car and left. “Yep, yep, mighty strange fella” I mumbled. As I turned around to head back to my TV show, I noticed the lil black velvet box on the counter. Curiosity tickling my neck, I opened the box and the most amazing thing stared back at me, it was Ida Mae’s wedding ring. I didn’t even notice the new flash interrupting my TV show, local hotel owner wife run down by a cop on the 95 freeway.

Stress Cycle

Twist, turns, up and downs--life is a roller coaster.

I never know how the course ahead will make me feel

And when it slows down

There is always that unexpected jolt

Just when you think its over it takes off again

Full speed ahead...



I am sure you saying to yourself, another poem? Yep friends, family, ladies and gentlemen another poem. A poem created by a tree diagram I created when I was lost, trying to find balance. This is a rarity that I allow folks into my truth, up and personal all up in my space. To visit a place no one has ever been. It is uncomfortable because it leaves me open and vulnerable. But ya know...I am ME, so deal with it! Some people say its bipolar but I call it life. Not that play play fairy tale farce of make believe but the real deal. Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge.

This stress tree was hard and it actually brings a tear to my eyes when I read it. Looking back now on all that I was going through, I am shocked! People do not realize the impact that stress has on the mind, body and spirit.  During that period in time I was severely homesick; my children were beating me up mentally because I up rooted them from their home, family and friends. Nothing I did was right; it was constant complaining, behavior issues and myself to deal with. Life was hard.  All that stress manifested itself in many ways, HIVES…I survived on benedryl oral and topical, but imagine hives in your eye lids, on your tongue on the bottom of your feet even in the crack of your ass.  I resorted to steroid shots so I could work, it was bad yawl. Bad. Then to make matters worse, I started having attacks which in my mind were heart attacks. It all started with pains in my chest, shortness of breath, dizziness (I even passed out a few times) and stomach issues that caused diarrhea. Bad. Then the big one hit (after a major child incident) and I thought I was going to join Red Fox and Elizabeth in heaven. My then boyfriend Larry rushed me to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack…..nope no heart attack; it was the almighty Acid Reflux. That was the day I realized that my body was turning against me.  After all I did for my body eating right, excising, it betrayed me when I needed the most. Stress took away my freedom to live normally, my quality of life; I literally thought I was dying…hence at this point I am depressed.

Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard, right? A lot of people do a combination of the following work, pay bills, take care of kids, go to school, cook, clean, entertain, etc and things are fine. Folk’s men and woman balance multiple tasks depending on their role and place in life. Not me, life took a bite out of my ass and almost took me down during that time. The emotional turmoil impacted me physically and my quality of life diminished over night. Life as I new it, this new life I wanted for my family was a train wreck waiting to happen.

Me? I have always been a fighter. In my journey, I have made some stoooopid mistakes with men, money and otherwise but I have proven I am not no punk!  Every step I took was a lesson and within these lessons the challenges were hard. Leaving a dysfunctional marriage, moving to a new state, and moving into my new single parent role. I felt I was in the boxing ring of life…I had a few hits that knocked me down but before the ref got to 10 I was up bouncing again ready to face the next blow or duck and weave.  It was a point where I felt there was no hope, my future was uncertain and I was afraid to tell my family I had failed. I was afraid to ask for help AGAIN after they had joined forces with my friends to help me move to a fresh start. I had no one. At least that is how I felt at the time. Helpless, homeless and weak.  

In the same moment that I almost excepted defeat I evaluated my life. I took step outside of myself to see what the hell was going on. 1.) I allowed my kids to hold me hostage with their inability to accept change.  And they used my guilt to move me around like puppet. They basically took advantage of my weak state and got buck wild. ‘Play your position’ 2.) I refused to except change when it came to my job.  The new job was not the old job. The culture was different, these folks were not my friends and did not care whether I lived or died. Once I accepted my place it became easier to sustain my sanity. ‘Know your place’ 3.) I had to learn to trust myself. Trust my decisions, trust my judgment, and trust that I made the right decision for my family sake. Trust my heart. ‘Accept who you are and trust it’

After a come to Jesus with myself and a few moments of clarity I finally started to move in the right direction.  Looking back on this stress tree makes me sad because it was a very low point in my life, but it also makes me happy because I am a SURVIVOR and I survived and will continue to survive!

Destiny Child said it best:

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Open Diary Moment

Lately I haven't had much time for blogging for various reasons all of them good (so far). There is so much I want to share but I don't know where to start. Lets see...

Darkness moved in for awhile and took control of me yet the darkness did not prevail because as always I fought a good fight and I have seen the light.  There is nothing worse than being stuck and refusing to make a change.  Besides why worry and stress about the things I can not control. Time is flying and there is so many things that I have allowed to fall aside ...my writing which includes but not limited to journaling, my novel, this blog and daily writing exercises.  Looking at these words will probably not mean a lot to you but know, my love for writing is a big piece (PEACE) of me and at the moment I am incomplete. Yet I continuously make excuses....I am tired, a good TV show, a basketball game, dinner, cleaning, shopping, work, phone, a movie, and the list goes on and on. No doubt all these things are important to me as well however we make time for what is important to us.

My youngest son has had some medical issues
My daughter is graduating
My oldest son is.....well I honestly don't know.
My husband works and tries and works some more
My job well lets just say it is not a happy place
My house has not progressed
My mother is my rock but she not made of steel is surviving her own turmoil
I was sick and given a buffet of medication that turned out to be FALSE

TA is graduating, and has been accepted into Blinn Community College ...there are obstacles of course and I reserve the right to blog about this another day.  Planning is still in the works more to come on this as well.

Easter was perfect! We spent the day at Ian and Michele's new home for their first Easter dinner. Great family day!!!!

Prom was perfect. Thanks to the best sister in law ever Michele L Simon who helped me with the diva.

Mother's Day was A-W-E-S-O-M-E! The kids gave me the perfect Mothers Day cards, My hubby the bestest ever took me to see Thor, put some change in my pocket and we had a nice dinner. I treated myself to a cute pair of out of budget shoes from ALDO.

Decided to make some amends at work for the better that way PEACE be still.

So far so good ....
Of course I jumped around no need to drudge up the darkness
I can honestly say I am happy and mean it!

Oh oh oh...forgot to mention. I am in the process of writing a business plan for a consignment store.  Not sure if I plan on actually opening the store although it has been my life long dream yet ....fear has me paralyzed. Baby steps.......1st business plan 2nd make a decision.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I am happy and I mean it!!!!

.....WANTED: Passion:a emotion applied to a very strong feeling for something

What is your passion?

I have passion for a lot of things.

Many moons ago I started writing to release.

Now I write not only to release, but express the stuff in my head and the things I see going on around me.  Hopefully one day it will all come together into something productive that others will want to share with me. Right now my writing is limited due to time related to work, family, this or that.

Work -- No flexibility: Doing the bidding of others for a small financial gain. Unable to make decisions w/o a co-signer (HR)

Family -- Unappreciated, over worked, taken for granted and conditional. Some flexibility, able to make decisions.

My hubby is self employed and loves loves loves his freedom. Me, myself and I need security. Secure paycheck, secure benefits...of course I have to give up a few things to meet the needs of my security blanket. When is it time to say when? Take a leap of faith and do something that you always wanted to do....

There are so many things that I like and love to do so tell me..how can I make a dollar out of .15 cents doing what I love....My Passions:

• Shoes: A woman who is truly a woman loves shoes. Regardless of design, designer or style, it’s a personal quest for self reflection. Shoes say a lot about a person...what does it really mean when I wear flip flops in the winter and boots in the summer? Women and shoes have an intimate relationship, bond like no other. Shoes would be the ideal business partner because they are loyal, and will pizzazz and style to the customer and I would be the visionary. No good....I would wear all the shoes and wouldn't sell a thing!!
• Toe Socks: Comfy, cozy and fun! No idea how to make this a money maker.
• Star gazing: Dreaming up ways to make money. Non profit only.
• Coffee: My shoulder to lean on, my wings beneath the wind, the light of my life. Yes people I love coffee. I am so sure that the market for coffee is overwhelming considering the amount of stress people deal with on the daily basis.
• Hot Tamales: Fire and desire! Um Um good. Set my taste buds on fire, I love the way my candy eat the thin layer of skin off my tongue and change the flavor of my food the next day. Ying and Yang, two sides of the same coin yet different. Nothing but love, no sale!
• Facebook: I have become the very person I said I would never be...a facebook junkie! This is actually a marketable option to make some money. Any ideas?
• Twitter: A bit intimidating, yet fun. The pressure to produce the most exciting 'you' is hard on twitter.
• Writing/Journaling: Writing, reading, expressing, giving, taking, loving, hating, laughing, crying, family, friends, and just plain life
• Reality TV: Is my outlet into the lives of other people drama. I stand tall and relish on how grateful I am for my life. I am not a hoarder, I am not self absorbed groupie, I am not desperate enough compete with 12 other woman for the affections of one man, I am not desperate enough to make a jackass out of myself and embarrass my family for the almighty dollar. I like me.
• Reading: Escape, living through the eyes of others.
• Working out: Upon arrival to the state of Texas, it was a new place, basically a new me! However a few years later, and too many problems my work out regime was/is null and void. I do more talking about working than working out! Sad but true. So me aspiring to make money working out is not an option because I truly can not commit!
• To Do List: Upper management for the sake of sanity aka sanity sake. (I don’t commit anything to memory except if you are mean to me)
• Talk Radio: For listeners only (meaning me). Voice issues!
• Limon' Chips: Pure joy, no need to really include as a money making option because they are already signed, sealed and delivered!
• Wine: Now here is an idea. Wine mixed with a few of my passions above I have a winner. For example..Wine + Twitter = drama (people pay for drama), or Wine + Working out = a peep show, Wine + Facebook = Honesty, Wine + writing = best seller.
• Gossip: Could get me into trouble.
• Relaxing: Over rated!

All that being said I will keep my day job until the real deal presents itself. The bad part is I have to change who I am in order to survive. Dreaming building is a beautiful thing and that I will never give up on! I may not have the fan base I have dreamed of but I have all the support I need. Self employment is in my future, its attainable but the risk keeps it a bay.  My writing in all its imperfections is my livelihood and one day, one day....my name will be in on the BEST seller list! (Or hustled out of the trunk of my car)

Thinking about a consignment shop..hmm ;)

Wheezy~~~~

LIST ME

I randomly thumbed through "To List Yourself" and had to face the man in the mirror

This List was very interesting to me considering that I am a good looking individual in my own right if I do say so myself. All my 'true' friends recognize my cuteness and beauty inside and out. However I view myself totally different when looking in the mirror. (Another time another story) Just know when you walk by, I'm watching you!!!!!

List those features that grab your attention when a man or a woman walks by~~~~~

Male and Female:

Man:

Arms

Butt

Smite

Hair

Hair line

Nose

Teeth

Shoes

Feet

Eyes

Body Type

Eye Color

Smell

Outfit

Complexion

Attitude

Lips

Chest

Height

Woman:

Purse

Shoes

Outfit

Hair

Legs

Butt

Eye color

Attitude

Breast

Body type

Walk

Smell

Grooming

Weight

Skin

Elegance

Lips

Complexion

Between Friends

The bang on the door scared all of us.  Everyone in the room became quiet, startled by the unexpected interruption of the loud knock. My eyes diverted off of Diamond and the door had my full attention.  Recently there had been a few break-ins in our area and my apartment complex was the main target.  Single and living alone was not ideal but I was always careful even when company was over. Crooks don’t discriminate.

“Bitch it is your house, are you going to say something? Diamond said as she walked toward to the door to open it. “Stupid ass!”

“Stop” I screamed in a whisper. I turned towards Diamond in a rage.  Diamond always moved to fast and she was usually the reason we always ended up in some shit. She is the main reason we were in this mess now because she such a ho.  “You have no fuckin idea who that is knocking like they crazy. After what just happened we need to things through calmly. Someone could have seen us, don’t you get it Diamond we are in deep with this shit because of you.” I whispered so hard the veins were popping up in my neck. I felt like punching her in the face.

 Diamond stopped in front of the door and dropped her suspended hand from turning the lock on the door.  She turned around briefly to look at us, rolled her eyes then on our tippy toes she veered through the peep whole to see who was knocking on the door. “aww snap, its her” she turned and whispered in a giggle.

“Who?” I said.

“His fuckin wife Macy, that’s who and I think she got a gun.” Diamond said

“How can you tell she has a gun by looking through a peephole” I said.

“I don’t know, she just looks crazy. She got on a wig looking all busted. ” Diamond giggled and tip toed back towards us away from the door.

“I know yawl skanky ass bitches up in there. I heard ya arguing and now ya whispering. Open the door and lets talk like grown folks. Kash!..its me Macy open up. This between me and Diamond”

We all just stared dumb founded in the living room. NO one was scared of her but we didn’t want to draw any attention to ourselves after what happened earlier tonight. Bree finally spoke up and said, “look let her in, what she going to do? The odds are against her, its three against one, and she doesn’t stand a chance especially against Kash. Even if she had a gun, what she going to do, shoot all three of us? Please.” Bree smirked. They all knew who the fighter was in the group.  We had been friends since the 5^th grade and now at 26 were still hanging ride or die. This situation was by far the worst and it all started with Diamond the instigating shit starter of the bunch. “Okay open the door and settle this now.” I said.

“Ok I am cool, Kash?” Diamond said.

“Yeah I’m cool, you cool Bree? I said wanted to be sure we were all good.

Bree said walking towards the door, “I am good.”

Bree boldly opened the door for Macy. We all watched as Macy walked in, dropped her purse on the kitchen bar, took off her jacket and never took her eyes off of any of us. 

“Now, if you have something to say Diamond say it to me. My cell nor home number has changed and I am quite sure you have both my numbers. You are the main reason this situation is the way it is. Be a real woman!! Home wrecker!! Diamond ‘HO ASS SKANK’ sleeps with married men. No better yet, she sleeps with her own friend man.” Macy said calmly while walking towards Diamond with her hand closed into fist.

Kash stood in front of Macy with her arms folded, “NOT in my house Macy, this is not the time nor the place for this bullshit for real! The way I see it neither one of yawl are innocent bystanders in this equation. When you play with fire, you get burned and unfortunately in this case, literally. As I recall you invited Diamond into your bedroom for a threesome with you and Chase. Remember?” 

Obviously intimated by Kash, Macy backed up from Diamond, “I didn't sleep with a married man. And I didn't cheat on my husband. I didn't break up my home cheating with someone else. I may not be snow white but I am not the cheating husband or the whore in the situation. It was only suppose to be a one time threesome but no, this skank decided to make it into an affair. Chase told me how you pursued him after the night we were together. Who does that Diamond..huh? Not a friend. I am suppose to be your sister, yo friend nigga and you betray me.” Macy cried.

Bree was surprised by Macy’s confession of the threesome. Diamond shared a small part of the story and obviously left out the good part. Diamond known for her sexual escapades was well versed on how to please a man. Bree cleared her throat to give herself time to think of something to say to fill the awkward silence. “Macy, why would you invite Diamond or anyone for that matter into your bed to share your husband? Space and opportunity if you ask me.”

“Yeah and it was your idea to divorce Chase not mine bitch. I don’t want his ass, he was a just a dick for the moment. All yours now” Diamond interjected all the while standing behind Kash for protection. “You asked me to help you turn your man out plus you wanted to know what it felt like to be a woman

Kash turned to face Diamond, “Shut up” Kash spat in anger. “Yo ass participated and violated the girlfriend code now we all caught up in this mess. Me and Bree don’t have anything to do with this nor did we get to participate in the fun but we dragged into this drama. So shut up and stop making things worse.”

Diamond knew not to test Kash when she was angry.  They had been friends for years and Diamond was not scared to take an ass whooping but she needed Kash right now because Macy crazy ass like to cut folks. Diamond now pouting and afraid she was losing her backup said, “she is the one that gave me an open invitation to hook up with Chase whenever I wanted to give her ass a break. Chase wants to leave her and I didn’t ask him too. Now she is one that has been acting crazy by writing on my car and breaking phones.” Diamond directed her verbal attack back to Macy, “ You are the one that didn’t want to go out with your husband so you sent me on the date, and you stop cooking for him so he at my place getting home cooked meals, and you shut him off physically and emotionally. It was fine when you wanted it now he don’t want your pitiful ass its my fault? Please Macy girl be for real and get real. You practically gave the man away now you wanna blame me? Not to mention I was doing you at the same time, my face in your ass when I wasn’t with him. Where was the issue then?”

Kash and Bree both moved in unison to the couch to sit down. Kash could not believe one of her best friends was having an affair with her friend husband Chase and sleeping with Macy. Who the hell was this woman standing in my living room acting innocent when she participated in tearing up a family. 

“Macy you completely closed up on Chase ….well at least that is what he told me. You made him feel less than a man in front his kids when he lost his job, which is beyond dead wrong because a man needs respect even when he don’t deserve it. You told me that it had been over for years between you and Chase. You actually have a nerve to play hurt because he has already moved around because he fed up with your games. And I am not saying you shouldn’t be hurt but shit you been acting erratic and straight up psychotic these past few months.  Don’t walk up in here trying to set it off on me acting like you want your marriage to work. This drama is not all on me”  

 “Why him Diamond I wasn’t good enough for you? I put my feelings all out and told you how I felt, that I wanted us to work. You played along with it all the while sleeping with Chase, in my bed! You played me chic and think the shit funny. Yeah I take responsibility for what I did.,.,.”
 
Kash cut Macy off , “Yall both need a licensed psychologist and an aids test.” Kash stood up and paced, “ I do not believe the shit that is coming out of yall mouth. We have been friends for years and yall tricks munching on each other. D sleeping with her friend man, what the fuck? Lets just calm down for a moment so I can wrap my head around this mess because I am about to pop off on someone in a minute.”

You stay out of it Kash. If you had something to say, you had your opportunity when you found out Diamond was hooking up with Chase. You ain’t no better and you damn sho ain’t no friend” Macy said with confidence.

“Bitch are you serious. You were beating on my damn door like the police, waltzing up in here like you run shit and you telling me to shut up. You got life fucked up! Your man that you thought was so great was lying to you about your situation up until you put that key in the door and found him in the bed with D. He has been walking around town amongst our crew denying having a relationship with you. He has been telling folks that you were not together and if you think he has been faithful to you and D for the past month think again bitches. Ask him why he was late on Sunday picking up them bebe kids of yours. That's what you do bitch. Ask him who he was munching on when his phone was blowing up with calls from you. Better yet bitch ask me.” Kash bent over put her hand to her ear as if trying to hear Macy. “Whatcha say bitch, speak up I can’t hear you. Let me help you out. Me and Chase have been fucking for yearzzz-za!”

 Jaw dropping silence enveloped the house. No one said a word and Kash stood arrogantly in the middle of her living room after dropping that bomb on all of us. “Wait Kash, you mean to tell me that you and Chase been hooking up? How could you?” said Bree

“Easy, he came over once a week when Macy was in school. Friends with benefits. These bitches can attest to his head game and he aint bed in the dick department either. It was purely for the sex nothing more, nothing less.  Macy didn’t act interest anyway, always complaining of what he not doing yet missing out on his best quality. Humph, he approached me after their wedding day and it has been on and popping since. And there ya have it, now what yall bitches gotta say?”

“That is where you are wrong Ms Badass Kash always the fighter but never having a lover. Secretly creeping with other folks men yet judging us like you perfect. You are trifling as hell. I found out about you a long time ago but ignored it because Chase was happy. I never thought much of you and to be quite I honest never really liked you but you always bought the drinks. Your lonely ass sitting up in this fancy apartment waiting on my once a week class to get a nut from something other than a vibrator I felt bad for you. At least I knew I was safe from catching anything since your dry rott ass never had a man. NOW so there you have it skank. Play ya hand”

Bree slowly stood up and walked towards the door trying her best not to make eye contact with anyone. All these confessions were making her uneasy and she clearly didn’t want any parts of it.

“Excuse me, Bree where are you going” Macy boldly called her out.”Since everyone want to clear their chest, let me help you clear yours or do you want to be the one to disclose your inner ho?

Silence.

“Well let me help a friend out. Bree everyone was fucking Chase also before we got married. I caught them at Junebugs house right after we got in engaged. We fought, I kicked her ass, she apologized and we kept it quiet and moved right along with our lives. See ladies I am well aware of who and what I married.  Yall ain’t special, he just proved to me that we all ain’t shit to him but you didn’t catch on and I did. Yeah I’m mad at D because she was the last straw that severed our relationship but I’m mostly upset because if he had already moved on from our quote unquote bad marriage then he should have done the right thing and divorced me then the kids would not have been hurt. As far as me talking down to my children about Chase you do not know what you are talking about. Because I try my best to be the adult in this dysfunctional fucked up farce of a marriage and not tear him down in front of the kids. Ya see bitches he is only a sperm donor, not a father. He is as trifling as the company he keeps. The only reason he is allowed to stay in my home is because, he brings your money home to me and yeah he gives good head. Each one of you are a non factor in my life so move around bitches.”

Macy walked towards the door, picked up her purse and coat, walked out and closed the door without looking back.

We all jumped when the door opened again, “by the way he ain’t dead,  I put visne in his cool-aide so you can relax. Bitches!” With that Macy left and we never saw her again.

Characters:

Diamond Jones

Kashmere Williams

Breeze Day

Macy and Chase Griffin

..................................................................................................................................................................

F-ight for you

R-espect you

I-volve you

E-ncourage you

N-eed you

D-eserve

S-ave you

Sexual Healing

Sexual Healing by Steve Harvey

In the February 2011 issue of Essence magazine Steve offers his top three tips for reigniting the romance flame in your marriage.

1. Make Time for Love
Set aside one night each week to do something together without the kids, like going for a walk hand in hand after dinner.  Do not talk about bills or anything to do with work or the children.

2. Bring Sexy Back
Toss the T-shirt and the head rag and announce that tonight is massage night. Put on your most enticing lingerie while you rub your hubby down. He'll appreciate your effort and will bring his A game to the mix.

3. Put it into words
Drop a love letter in his brief case or send him a scandalous text, letting him know how hot you are for him, even after all these years.