.....Worn out piece of me

My body is craving PEACE

 My mind is craving PEACE

My soul is craving PEACE
My existence is craving PEACE

As a mother, wife, friend and daughter my strength is on the infinite scale.  I have my limits. Right now today, I have reached my limit. Flat out, unequivocally tired. Not so much physical but mentally drained which is weighing on my body. Worry wart should be my birth name, always in constant influx of self talk, taking care of others, managing everything, doing it all and still I keep moving despite my body and mind telling me to sit. Sit?...............Really? No way, sitting is for the weak and I have a TO DO list longer than my arm.  Constantly moving, busy with taking care of others I often neglect myself.  I have not JOURNAL, written in my BLOG nor I have made any head way on my book (Stuck in the same chapter). 

Something has to give. At this point it is either them or me.
She has not prepared for college.
He is back sliding in school and attitude
He is financially struggling
My job is uncertain
My body hurts
I'm tired
Hence ...I worry

Truly..one day for me is all I need (Until I get tired again)
I can not complain_______Life is good and I am alive to live it
So lets look at this way...
She is graduating
He is not in trouble
He is happy
I have a job
My body moves
I am alive
Just looking back at the beginning, I have nothing to complain about. Life, family and self requires sacrifice and takes time.  Commit to me and be happy.

My truth~

All About me: FAVORITES

Another one of my discoveries in 2004. "All About Me" Man was I lost or what? Truth be told, I had lost myself in an relationship and I was reaching ,searching, searching, reaching trying to discover me. I used every resource I could think of to find out who the hell was the person in the mirror.  As you can see by the age of the book I got nowhere and what you cant see is that most of the pages are empty so I was lost for a long time.  Somewhat still lost..............but I will not give up.  Here are my Favorites:

Blue is a color I love to wear.
Regardless of size or circumstance I would love to own a Tiger.
Tulips are lovely
Lucky 13
The smell of shit makes me pause
I would love to melt in a bowl of raspberries.
Reading is my hobby of choice
I really DO NOT enjoy watching sports but if I have to choose: Basketball
I do not play sports. PERIOD
Chicago seems fun
France is so romantic
Gotta love the fish..Seafood rules
Buttery nipple shots are so smooth and sweet
Cheesecake always hit the spot--all flavors
I strongly recommend: Act like lady, think like a man
Iyanla Vanzant and TD Jakes had a significant impact in my life
Ebony and Essence are my friends
Orlando Sentinel...has good comics ;/
I watch Finding Nemo to lift my spirits
I like Halle Berry
I admire Denzel Washington
At one point in time Girlfriends was the bomb
I will leave the house naked with only my shoes on if I could
My favorite time of the day is morning
I squat in my bed
Watching cartoons, lifetime and relaxing is my Sunday regime


................and there you have it!

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf.

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf.

Finally ...I had the opportunity to see For Colored Girls.  WOW. The movie was amazing, riveting, and definitely Oscar worthy.  I laughed, cried, fought and loved in one night and it hit home in so many ways. Definitely a keeper and worth purchasing.

As woman (including me) we tend to forget what makes us who we are as woman. We forget the ties that bind us as woman. We forget we have more in common than we realize and tend to braisingly judge each other because our chapter was or is different. The issues played out through poetry were not unique to a particular race or stature, it was common to all women and captured a commonality of all woman..love and pain in essence our humanity. We all faced trials and tribulations in life and dealt with some or maybe all that was played out on film...hurt, pain, deceit, disease, trust, betrayal, love, abuse, fear, isolation, promiscuity, loyalty to a man over others, motherhood, loss, the inability to conceive, and ghosts of the past.  Remember we are only a page away from one another. Remember that before you judge.  

Learning is a gift. Even when pain is your teacher. ~Unknown

List Yourself

No idea why but I purchased this book in 2004. I revisited it in 2006 and in 2009. Here is its 2011 and I found it in a crate in my attic and decided why not...let the journey begin. Besides it looks like fun.  Now I finally know why I purchased this book.....its a different way expressing myself in a LIST format. A perfect way for me to continue to indulge in my randomness.

List all the smells that make you scream:

• Fart -- an anal escape of wind drives me NUTS! (Especially when it picks up the funky luggage on the way out.
• Fried chicken, fish, bacon, pork chops-- taste good, but the smell lingers and takes refuge in my hair, and clothes. Not cute when a person can tell what you ate for dinner over a week ago.
• Shit- Not the exact act of shitting, but the ambiance after the fact. There is just some shit that air freshener can not cure!
• Flower incense-Who was the genius behind burning flowers. GROSS!
• Horse - Not something that I come across daily but when I do.... All the brushing and the dander is still funky? http://www.ehow.com/how_4866905_remove-smell-horse-barn.html
• Garbage - decaying matter that simmers in an encapsulated container waiting for pick up 2x's a week. Who is the expert that decided trash pick should be random.
• Feet - Why is it when feet smell it is compared to corn chips (which enjoy on occasion with hot sauce). Call it what it is..sweat eating bacteria that thrives on moisture between the toes. GROSS...as I write. It doesn't help that all the feasting is in a sock and dark shoe. Closet eaters..........
• Sour clothes - Usually I forget and leave clothes in the sealed washing machine longer than I plan. Not a nice smell.

This LIST is one of many, hopefully you find these entertaining and learn more and more about me. Dig into all my randomness as I take a deeper journey into me.

This is the no judgement zone!

Trifling

Trifling: Describing a situation, person or event that is pathetic. Shady, not right. Deceitful, manipulative person or action. A person that is all talk and no follow through.

One Day. Super Sensitive. Angry. Defensive. All valid yet controllable. Nothing erks me more than folks (friends, family and foe) trying to get over on other people, good people, real people and innocent people.  Using people kindness as weakness. Taking advantage of a situation that benefit the innocent. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Deceit is deep. And TRIFLING is apparent.  And YOU have been discovered. You TRIFLING. You may HOODWINK some but the wool is so far from my eyes I see clearly.  I see you. You TRIFLING. I saw you a mile away via one side of the story. Nothing added up and know you were given the benefit of the doubt. I watched you and I'm still watching. We laugh, we chit chat, and the only thing in common is our SEX and that is questionable. Make no mistake, we not friends nor have we ever been. The only reason you tolerated me was because you thought I 'co-signed' on your TRIFLING. I see you and I have always seen you, I am watching. I smile but underneath I have no respect for you. We being in a similar situation is not an issue, its you being TRIFLING. Its you trying to remain relevant. LET ME BE REAL....Basically, its you. It is you taking advantage of situation for the better of the innocent. It is you hiding the real you, and playing victim to gain a leg up on the expense of another. TRIFLING. Behind all the smiles and 'Hey girl' and laughter your character is flawed. Using the innocent as a pawn for your own gain. Using goodness to prevail. Using me will not be tolerated. I see you. You nothing and you know it...hence your climb to remain relevant. Basically begging for relevance. Begging to be seen. Begging for attention. You know why?..............TRIFLING. The only power you have is the innocent and soon enough the innocence will develop to real. They will see you as I see. See you for what and who you really are, see you for you...TRIFLING. Hiding behind the innocent and pretending like you doing this or that. You ain't nothing  ....not to me but something to others and that I have to honor and respect. I cherish the innocent, I want the innocent to succeed and strive to be better, the innocent deserve better. My sacrifice is over. My needs, wants and desires are RELEVANT, not yours. Your time is up playa. Make the bed you laid in (literally). I mean really, its embarrassing watching you seek attention. Time to stand up and be who you claim, and be who you fakely represent. Time to stand up and be real. I can not claim perfection but I can claim REAL. Can you?

Oh wait...Real and Trifling don't mix, its like oil and water. Play the lotto if you wanna play games.

In my weakness I allowed the TRIFLING into my world. In my weakness I allowed the TRIFLING to control my world. No more. I do not do TRIFLING.......I do REAL.

Respect is earned.

Conversations........between us.

Him: How can we make our relationship better? How can I improve?
Her: Pause...silence
Him: Hello?
Her: Let me call you back.

She was surprised by her inability to respond in that moment when asked such a profound question regarding their troubled relationship.  So many things had been going through her mind regarding their relationship and if they would last past this year.  She asked and answered this very same question silently so many times and now of all times she was speechless.

Via text.....

Her: There is a lack of open, honest communication, insensitivity to the needs of each other, the past  always seem to be relevant like a dark cloud, finances are a issue and I do not feel like number one in my own home.
Him: OK, lets get on the same page, I lead you follow. Communication: Put God first and he will speak for the both of us.
Her: I have no problem with following, but I need an example to follow. Until then we will continue to have problems. God speaks frequently, how often do you really listen? I'm just sayin..........
Him: The past? I am not sure how this applies or what you mean but it doesn't take much for the past to seem as the present.  Remembering a bad experience is heavier than remembering a good one.
Her: You are right bad experiences are not easy to forget but whatever happen to forgiveness? You are always reminding everyone that God forgives and if He can forgive why cant we.  If that is the case, how is anything that happened in the past relevant now? So many uncomfortable things took place in the beginning to both of us, but look how far we have come and we still together. God is good. Have faith in God that it is getting better and stop reminiscing on what can not be undone and use it as a stepping stone to be better.
Him: You are right. I will do better and not bring up the past into our present. I do realize that any and everything that happens now is a result of what is going on now, but to be honest it is not easy to forget because some of the things we are dealing with reminds me of the pain of the past. Like I said, I will do better....
Her: I guess that is all I can ask is that you try. thanks. Now what about finance issues.
Him: Put your head down and pay your bills.
Her: I do not have a problem paying my bills, I have an issue with you not wanting or preparing to spend money after the bills are paid.  Saving to secure our future is fine, but we still need to enjoy ourselves during the journey.
Him: Spending money makes me shiver and I literally get sick on the stomach but seeing you happy and enjoying yourself makes up for the discomfort.  I or we can plan do something and put money away that way we both get what we want.
Her: I guess. Lets both come up with some money friendly dates and things to do.
Him: Agreed.
Her: Agreed.
Him: I think motives need to be examined and respect needs to be established.  Words are the things of growth, fertilizer to dreams and accomplishments to life, and also it is the fertilizer to failure, hate and death. Words are powerful.
Her: Words, Deed and Thoughts are powerful.  Respect trumps them all...if respect on all levels are established the others will fall in line. And it takes faith, work, and commitment. Communication: We should be able to talk about the simple and tough things that gives us pause, whether its the kids or money, we should be able to talk without fear of retaliation. Needs: I need to feel appreciated, I need to know you are listening, I need you to acknowledge it even if you do not agree with it, I need you to be in the moment, I need to be number 1, I need you. Meeting the needs of others is not easy and I do not expect you to be perfect but at least try.  Past: The past can either build you up or take you down. We all have baggage. Baggage from childhood, past relationships even baggage from a bad experience at work yesterday.  If you are human and lived, I know you deal with memories whether good or bad from the past. Releasing old, bad memories is key in moving forward, its actually exercising FORGIVENESS. Staying shackled to the past will only hold you (us) back from moving forward. In my experience....in my life, I know I carry baggage, but I pray everyday that I do not let it hold me down. The only person that will have power over me is me and living in the past is allowing someone else to control your future. Finances:Whew tricky....I like spending, you don't.. I work hard and want what I want when I want it! Easy....? Nope. I recognize that we need stability, and that it will be a time when work is not a option and I am prepared to prepare for that with you. Lets create a realistic budget that includes saving for the future, but also enjoying today.

Relationships are not easy, frankly they are hard and finding the answer to a perfect relationship is not easy and impossible to achieve.  There are books, advice but at the end of the day, you have to do what works best for you and each other in the relationship. Identifying the problem is not an easy as it seems and at some point, as an active participant in the relationship stop pointing fingers and look at yourself and the role you play.

Pray daily~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recipe for a Happy Marriage

1 cup consideration

1 cup courtesy

2 cups flattery carefully concealed

1 gallon faith and trust in each other

2 cups praise

1 small pinch of in-laws

1 reasonable budget, a generous dash of cooperation

3 teaspoons pure extract of "I'm sorry"

1 cup contentment

1 cup each of confidence and encouragement

1 large or several small hobbies

1 cup blindness to the other's faults

Flavor with frequent portions of recreation and a dash of happy memories.  Stir well and remove any specks of jealousy, temper, or criticism.  Sweeten well with generous portions of love and keep warm with a steady flame of devotion. Never serve with cold shoulder.

Super Bowl XLV Sunday

Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow. Black and Yellow....

Dallas was definitely lit up this weekend with the anticpated game ...The day has come and the time has gone and Black and Yellow did not prevail....Pittsbuurgh Steelers 25, Green Bay Packers 31.

Football is not my area of interest but the game was very good especially the men in tights. My contribution to the day was a heartfelt attempt to make the day the special for the family so I put on my apron and did my thing.
Menu:
Hot wings (Hot and Lemon Pepper)
Chips n dip (buffalo velvetta w/ rotel)
Jambalaya (Sausage and shrimp)
Chili and cheese
Yeast rolls
 butter cake
Almonds
Sprite
Bud light lime
Water
Wine

Despite the fact that support for the teams depended on who won, we had a great time. The game was intense, the commercials were fun and we are family!!!!!!!!