Happy Monday ..

Ugh...I need coffee.
IF you know me then you might possibly know that I suffer with acid reflux but I manage my one cup of coffee each morning. Trully its creamer with coffee instead of coffee with creamer...
I like to consider myself a morning person because once I get past snooze its on! Let's see how I incorporate this Blog thing into my schedule.lol. Right now my time is maxed out but I will adjust. This is for me and hopefully I can keep afloat while I work, maintain home and write my book.   Wish me luck everyone...

My day starts at 5:30 am.
Take my son to school at 6:45 am for basketball practice
I usually arrive at work around 7:00-7:30 am

Coffee
Breakfast
Work until 4pm....

Side bar..Can I be honest? Well I guess I should since I want followers...I scheduled this blog because its late. It is actually 11:05 pm. Smart right? Well I think so because tomorrow (today) is Monday and the 1st day of the week and I have to keep it moving. But I will definitely pay attention and be aware of my surroundings to keep everyone abreast of my truth.  I want to ensure I capture many things to discuss once I get settled at home tonight. This is so weird.

Not sure what route this blog will take but for now, its random. I am extremely nosey a mondern day Mrs. Kravitz so when see what I can see past the curtain, you will know it!

Ok so, Im off to work and 95.7 the box will see me thru the mundane!

Have a great day folks

Don't Judge me!

Standing in my randomness......

According to Wikipedia: A New Year resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a personal goal, project, or the reforming of a habit.

Every year its always the same ole thing...reflecting on ourselves to be better for the new year. Where is the resolve to be better all the time. Reflection on changing is not a 1x deal but a lift time agreement with yourself to be better, do better and become better. To be honest, how often do we, any of us follow through on any of the things we want to change about ourselves. And from my experience once the drinking ends so does the resolution so lets be real.....are you really going to:

Eat right
Exercise
Go back to school
Be a better parent
Be a better spouse
Quit smoking
Get Religion
Quit drinking
Pay off debt
Clean up and organize the house
Stop cursing
Take a vacation
Save for a rainny day......and the list goes on and on

This year I changed my view on resolutions, this year I decided to make a commitment to me in 2011. 2010 has been hard people, truth be told the last few years have been hard. It has been hard adjusting to Texas, being away from family and friends. Since I connected with so many folks on facebook that are in Orlando and family in Perry, I wanna go home. The need, the urge, to go home is so overwhelming and it was killing me softly. This sadness consumed me and hurt my relationship with my husband, I blamed him for not having a family like mine, a family that like to be around each other, I blamed him for not being family to me, helping me integrate into his life and become friends with his friends and family with his family.  This sadness impacted my relationship with my children, I make them feel guilty for missing their family and me not being enough and wanting to go back to Florida, I blamed them for all the unhappy times we experienced together while here in Texas. I was toxic...

It is my responsibility to be an example of family...I'm not perfect but there is no harm in striving to be. Home is where the heart is and my family in Florida are in my heart wherever I am and  wherever they are so there is no need to be sad! Right?

Resolutions are for losers, but a commitment is Truth,
Wikipedia defines commitment as showing loyalty, a duty, a pledge to yourself or others.
Yes Commitment is in the NYR definition as well, but look at the circumstances under which you resolve to be different....its the holidays, your eating, drinking, etc. Let's be real your happy and its easy to say you will be different and once the party end so does the NYR because it is linked to a once a year tradition. Nobody really holds you acccountable to the NYR because they are not held to theirs. What if you make a commitment to yourself and thru your truth you remind yourself of your commitment..write it in your journal, put in a sticky note in your Bible, write it down and us it as a place holder in your favorite book, remind your self everyday when you look in the mirror that its time to make the change.

I commit in 2011 to be grateful that I have my children, a good husband, awesome in laws (Michele, Ian and Lavonda) and serrogant family's like the Williams family and my Sisters of Spring that have kept me entertained and grounded with their friendship.

Now when I think of home, I miss my mom, dad, sisters and brothers but I will be okay because I talk with them regularly and I plan on visiting as often as I can and hopefully they will do the same. I will no longer allow the distance to become a black hole but the distance is now a commitment to save money so I can visit with my family more often. I have so many things to be grateful for and I have come too far to sit in the dark. I am not saying it is not going to be easy but it will definitely make things a litter easier to deal with.  So I say to everyone that reads this.....Commit to yourself the things you want to change about you and hold yourself accountable to you.  Besides if you let your self down, who are you hurting really?. And like I always say to myself  'Dont nobody love me like I love me'!

One thing I say I've learn this past year of my life if nothing else....people change with or without you!

As always....
Don't Judge Me

Cheers

Sunday---The Aftermath

This is how I feel today....peaceful and serene. its cold, rainy, dinner is simmering on the stove and the fire place is warming the house. It gets no better than this on a Sunday afternoon.

Rome was not conquered in a day and neither was cleaning this house. Everything is not quite where it should be but we are moving in the right direction.   I can't complain.....can I? This is the kids version of clean ..and it is still Under Construction. 

Let's start at the beginning with ME. You can see my counter YAY!!!!!! All beauty products are put in their proper place (thrown under the counter) tee hee hee .

The is the best part yet.... you can see my bench and my tub! Comet, Windex and a full roll of paper towels aided me in cleansing my tub. I'm so excited, it has been so long since I was able to soak in my tub!!!!!  

 I do not think I am unreasonable, I honestly think I am fair. Kids today to not realize what they have at their age and I know this because I didn't appreciate what I had. A home, nothing to worry about but school, hanging with friends and the only thing my mother required of me was to help take care of the kids and keep the house clean. I didn't understand responsibility and worry until I got out on my own. If I could turn back time.....(another blog for another day) My point is....I require them to attend church, respect adults and each other, make good grades and do their part at home by keeping our things clean and in good condition.  Why is this so hard?

 House Rules...All chores must be done before and after school.  Deep cleaning is done on the weekends before any TV or videos are turned on!  The chores are rotated amongst the 3 kids every Sunday and the chore is not handed off to the next person until everything is complete. Clothes are washed twice a week Wed and Sunday only. Since I mentioned the clothes, the laundry room was neglected. The kids picked up a little but did not sweep or wipe down the washer and dryer. SMH

The boys room is much much better.  I will be honest and say, they manage their room better than anyone in the house including me.  I recently threw out my sons bed because it was damaged beyond repair. Next time you see their room hopefully it will balance...lol!  All their clothes are folded and hung up.  The gaming systems are in order and neatly in their place.  I could ask for more but I won't....I'm teary eyed! 



Boys Room



Lets see if the frog has turned into a princess....better I guess.  Disregard the basketball mural, we switched the kids room around since the boys were growing like weeds we gave them the bigger room. Re-painting..coming soon! I will give her credit..she vacuumed!

Daughters Room

Bathroom's are my weakness. When the bathroom is nasty it takes me down to the depths and pits of hell! I twist up like a possessed soul in need of Tilex! Here we go....



Kids bathroom



Whew!....I wont go any further than the wash up area. I do not wanna know what is lurking beyond the thunder dome! Looks good from here.

My office



Marilyn inspired office



My Marilyn inspired office got a little disorderly during the clean up. I had to shuffle a few things around from the bedroom to the office to distribute the wealth.  Marilyn loves her new dwelling and said everything is just fine..lol! (future blog)

Venturing into the common area ....DA DA DA daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 'The Game Room'. Disregard the mattress if you can and act like it is not there. That is for guests and since no one visits we will move it to the garage, I promise.  There were a few clothes left on the recliner from last weeks clothes washing marathon. More to come! 

Pretty good, right? The shoes belong to a house guest that spent the weekend. And 'NO' he did not use the mattress!



Game Room



One of the biggest pain points in my home with me and my family is the lack of regard they have for the home I have provided for them.  We do not have anything fancy, all our furniture is hand me downs, road side treasures and really good bargain shopping and its all usable and comfy. All that I ask is that they keep it neat and clean. Respect what we have, take care of your things, take care of my things. The kids only want to play and text, my hubby is a procrastinator and refused to clean because of the kids which leaves me dealing with all of this.  I am not delusional....life is not fair but why make it hard for the person who does it all and wants the best from you. Help a sistah out literally. Why do I have to jump up and down like Rumpelstiltskin and darn near pass out, and risk my blood pressure rising before anyone decides to do anything.  January 1 No more riding folks like a bicycle, stressing, yelling and feeling as if this personal......NO MORE! From here on out  my NEW YEAR commitment is to do me! Take care of me! But most importantly be less accessible to everyone around me, not to be mean but relieve myself of things I can not control.  Since my own family is making me and the things I love a option and not a priority I will gladly return the favor. A person can only take so much.  The rules will still be enforced and the expectation is still here BUT my attitude towards it all has changed. I have to take care of me and if that means releasing the BS....then BS is gone!  Besides my hubby pays a yard man, I foresee putting the cleaning lady in the 2011 budget. As always..

Don't Judge Me.....

   

Saturday Morning Mess

Its HOT, its COLD, its MEDIOCRE..any other day I would prepare to deal with any of the latter but today is Saturday so WHO CARES...

8am I promptly wake up to my regularly scheduled hunger pains, mostly for coffee not so much food. Briefly I peruse FB on my Blackberry to see who is already up and moving around. Twitter is on and popping (no surprise there). Before I can even think about coffee I need my meds to manage the all to familiar acid reflux --PREVACID!!!

Afraid to face the obvious, I turn a blind eye to the mess that I must deal with eventually...I could blame it on the hustle and bustle of the holidays, my hectic work schedule, the kids activities, the DVR, facebook, twitter, this new blog and the list goes on and on...and actually it is all of the above that my house is in such disarray! Spring cleaning went on vacation the day after Spring and left me alone with this mess, lazy privileged kids, and a old fashion husband (more on this topic later) but I have been virtually abandoned by everyone. NOBODY but me admits we have a problem here....nobody gets that pile ups only happen when your not paying attention (driving or otherwise, this tornado residue, hurricane massacred house of mine has been neglected. I can not afford a cleaning person (but my husband has a yard man) nor can I afford my children, and my husband has taken the stance of 'I WORK, I am TIRED attitude and feels his only contribution to the well being of peace is to only work. He does not even get that his living on top of the world is actually the pile of junk he created in his corner!!!!! Why can't I use the excuse 'I work'? Nobody gives me a free pass? All this is a reflection of me as woman, a wife and mother..........NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I enter the bathroom and....

OK so this is my mess entirely well except for the clipper bag, which is hidden by the cracked mirror that is sitting on top of it camouflaging the bag! I had a hang nail hence the nail kit..the hair spray aides my itching scalp due to these braids (which I am taking out asap), moisturizer is for my cow licks (cant seem to grow hair on the edges), the personal cleansing cloths..well lets just say I'm pooping now! The other stuff are just the necessities of beauty okay (don't judge me)! This my dear friends is an easy fix....throw it all under the counter, wipe down with bleach, Windex the mirror BOOM BAM I'm good! Now turning to my right as I enter from the door not the closet



"I could not figure how to rotate once I uploaded so turn your computer sideways to get the full impact"


This is one week and a few days worth of dirty clothes. PJ's, under garments, towels, a jacket, blah blah you get the drift. This pile will get bigger and bigger and eventually spill to the floor if I do not wash TODAY! I get no reprieve from laundry. My man will not notice dirty clothes until he runs out of underwear and wearing non matching socks! I on the other hand, smell it once I enter the bedroom. If you look closely to the right of the pile there is barely a view of a bench in front of the tub. Well I didn't take a pic but I have a pile of clothes there, sweaters, jeans, belts etc that I have worn to work over and over the past few weeks (during the holidays). They have not been moved to the cleaner bag because I still have creases...(my issue I KNOW) but this pile is now on the unmade bed, take a look.....





Bed in distress

 OK see, what happen was.....
This is the clothes that were in the bathroom on the bench that were used by me only. Thou shall not judge..with being said I will continue. A little time has passed and to my defense this pile no longer exists. All the sweaters are now in the winter crate, the jeans are folded nicely and have been placed in the cleaner bag (in case I want to sneak a pair next week), the belts and shirts are on hangers still on the bed. What can I say....I had to cook breakfast (turkey bacon, eggs and waffles) AND most importantly the coffee was ready.

As I venture upstairs (when the kids were asleep) Here is what I found and please feel free to embarrass them because I will show post a pic of how they walk out of the house every morning..
 

shh they are sleeping



Here is Tupac looking down on them and turning over at this messy room (I must admit, it doesn't stink)



Tupac



I will keep you posted on the drama in the boys room, but take a look at the beauty queen

Now take a look at her room.......(she is going to be so made)

Picture 1--Beauty Queen
Picture 2--Hot Mess

My hubbies pile up...room vs garage!

The homeless clothes



The abandoned

 Now people do you feel my pain? Ya feel me?
I am the only one that gives a crap about all the crap. Sad but true and this is really a lonely existence when no one cares how they live but have the NERVE to complain about their mess when asked why they their friends are not invited over..! I am embarrassed, tired and almost at the point of giving up my struggle to maintain order, cleanliness to all. We are not quite near health hazard status but pretty damn close.

If you have any tips on career cleaning, please share otherwise reserve your judgment for yourself because I can dump on my own self without any help from anyone else. As always...

Don't Judge Me

'Text Junky'

Things have definitely changed since I was a child.  When my mother called my name I immediately responded..."YES" while in her route to her location so she knew I was not ignoring her.  Parents today want to be friendly or friends with their children and do not want them to fear them. I grew up with fear and it can be healthy especially as they get older.

Today in 2011 and over the past few years leading up to now........technology is so prevalent in that "We" parents engage in text with our children.  And if your are anything like me, you should be familiar with text while in the same dwelling with your children.

I promise you, it did not start off like this at all....the phone was for emergency purposes only.  Text was something quick to get a message to the kids while they were in school or for them to contact me at work. IT WAS EASY...OK! I can admit that in some instances 'the easy way out' has been and is my motto. Whateva!

Let me bring this home, "I text with my children in the house or even in the next room" WTH. This is the problem now.... I don't even know how not to text with the kids. This is getting out of control on so many levels. Its getting to the point where, when I "think" I am disciplining them via "text" when they respond I feel like they are being a smart azz..LOL. Holiday, birthdays when gifts are sent to them it is so easy to say "Text your G-Momma and say thank you" or "Did you text your G-Momma to say hi?" Calling is foreign....I hate talking it is easier for me to text and email!

Wow!

Where I lost control is beyond me. It is so easy to blame it on the divorce and the other parent BUT it is me that is allowing and causing this communication gap. I continue to accept this mode of communication. My eldest hardly talks to me. And when he does it is awkward for me and him. This is a big disconnect for me and our relationship. How do you stop it, when it is easy?

Ok all that being said.......it is the parenting, right? Easy for someone on the outside to judge but I can admit I set the pace and allowed this to get out of hand. Where do I go from here......? I rely on this mode, method, way of communication just as much as the kids do! How do you engage kids in 'legacy' communication ie. talking, long hand writing, and time spent when we ALL engage ourselves with technology friendly devices that seemingly make our lives easy...........i.e fast food!

Say what you want but I do not think there is any turning back. I need an intervention!

A Heartbeat Away.....‏

Boom Boom

Her Heartbeat
Embraced us all


Made us tall
It taught us well
.....gave us hell



Fainting over time
Endured a lot


A strong heart
.....embraced us all

Now what?
Her heartbeat is now gone.
.....Who will tell us all?


Boom boom boo bo b....The heartbeat is now gone.

In such a short time.....so much pain

April 29, 2007 my grandma Barbara completed her chapter in the book of life in Perry Florida. She left behind so much hurt and pain. But her legacy was life. In that life was her daughter, my mother, myself, my sister Yasha and brother Lawrence and many grandchildren.

As Mother's Day is nearing my heart hurts not only for my lost love but for my own mother. The person so near and dear to her heart is gone from the physical presence. Though my grandmother my mothers' mother is gone she will FOREVER be in our hearts and the love she planted in us all will continue to flourish and grow.

My own love for my mother runs deep. She made our house her home. She is not just a woman who has given birth to her children...birth was given to a legacy of life....Our Family.

There was so much pain in such a short time. Preceding her in death was my loving grandfather Ephriam Tillman. His untimely passing, broke the link in my grandmothers heart for life. I could not understand why she did not fight harder to remain with us. Why wasn't we enough? These are questions I constantly ponder in my mind. Nothing was ever intentionally done by grandma to hurt anyone. God called her home. I understand.

She is forever gone and we will not see her until God calls us home. However, Grandma Barbara will forever stand in our hearts, minds and spirit of life. She is our BELOVED..our HEARTBEAT.


Pain.....so much pain
It hurts so much
Is this a test?
A test of faith?
WHY test hurt?
I know why-------
To test your faith
Tiffany~