Healthy Living

 Not sure if I shared in the past but I got this cleanse from blackdoctor.org (which is a very resourceful website, I would suggest signing up for newsletter).  Not very hard to follow, but does require prep work and commitment because you have to constantly eat all day.  I was faithful for 2 weeks the last time I followed the plan, lost weight (stomwww.blackdoctor.orgach shrunk), and it was not difficult to incorporate regular healthy food into my diet.  Also, I maintained good steady regularity if you know what I mean.  The only bad experience I faced is when I missed a meal...........my body was not happy!!!! Eating is a must!!
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BlackDoctor.org) -- Here’s a definition of absolutely crazy - one in 20 women would rather give up a limb than be obese, according to a study. So it’s not a surprise that  women, and just about anyone else wanting to lose and keep off extra weight, desperately want to believe in the power of a detox diet. "These diets are so popular right now, mostly because people think they're a quick fix for shedding pounds," says Jennifer Ventrelle, R.D., a nutrition counselor at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago.
As nice as it is to think you can simply flush fat away by drinking so much liquid you spend half your day in the bathroom, the reality is that some of these diets are not just literally hard to swallow, but they may also be bad to swallow.
Recipe for Danger?
The concept of fasting—drastically reducing caloric intake or following a liquid diet—isn't new. The modern-day detox has existed since at least the 1930s, with the first grapefruit diet fad.
Today, most commercial detox diets tout an unhealthy formula of minimal calories and nutrients along with some key—usually foul-tasting—ingredient that has supposed fat-melting power, like cayenne pepper or vinegar. But no science backs the idea that following a specific diet for a week or eating only one food will get rid of "toxins." Your body has the power to do that all on its own: That's why you have a liver, kidneys, and a digestive system.
What's worse, "most of the so-called detox' supplements and diets on the market aren't regulated by the FDA and are potentially harmful, especially if they're very low-calorie or contain diuretics that flush your body of potassium and other crucial nutrients," Ventrelle says.
Also, without adequate protein, your body takes it from the most available source: your own muscle tissue. Since muscle is your built-in calorie furnace, torching those muffin-top makers even when you're not moving. And the more muscle you have, the more calories you burn, which is why dramatically slashing calories can actually slow your metabolism in just a few days. "Your body thinks you're starving and panics," explains Marc Hellerstein, M.D., Ph.D., professor of human nutrition at the University of California at Berkeley. "Your metabolism slows way down to preserve your muscle and basic bodily functions." So when you go back to eating normally, you gain weight faster and from fewer calories. etoxes: What and Why?
There's no question that detox diets drastically slash your calorie consumption. But research has found that after just a few days of skimping on calories (even a very petite woman needs at least 1,200), your body stops producing a crucial growth hormone called IGF1, and reduces thyroid and other hormones as well as insulin levels. Over time, all of this can lead to problems such as bone loss and menstrual disruptions.
Even fasting every other day, which a 2009 study in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found may benefit obese men and women, hasn't shown promise for those who are looking to lose only a few pounds.
And then there's the quality-of-life issue. "When you eat that little, your sex drive disappears, you feel tired all the time, and you're always hungry," Hellerstein says. And what good is a hot body if you can't summon the energy to use it?
A Healthier Head Start
That's not to say every cleanse is bad. Done in a healthy (read: sane) way, detoxing "can feel like an intervention, a fresh beginning," Hellerstein says. "Most people eat way more food than necessary, which taxes the liver and kidneys," says Ronald Stram, M.D., director of the Center for Integrative Health and Healing in New York. Not only does a healthy detox give your digestive system a break, but by eliminating added sugar, saturated fats, and alcohol, it also rids your diet of things that can exacerbate health issues, Ventrelle says. "Plus," she notes, "you'll likely cut calories in the process."
A good detox plan provides enough calories and nutrients to sustain you (the average woman needs 1,200 to 1,800 calories) and includes fiber and lean protein. With that in mind, we've provided a great one below (note: calories given are for a 5'3" to 5'5", 115- to 125-pound woman. You may need to adjust for your own height, weight, age, and activity level). Following it for at least three days will kick-start weight loss, but it's safe to use as long as you'd like.
Because you'll eat often—at least every four hours—and drink as much water and decaffeinated tea as you want, you'll beat bloat while keeping your blood sugar steady and your energy high. This means you'll be able to cut back without feeling cranky, exhausted, or hungry. And—we pinky swear—you won't have to gulp down a single glass of cayenne-spiked liquid.
The Plan
Breakfast
• 8 oz water with a squeeze of fresh lemon juice
• Scrambled egg whites with chopped fresh herbs (such as basil or oregano), topped with a dollop of salsa, and 1 slice whole-wheat toast, dry or 1 cup cooked oats or cooked oatmeal topped with ½ cup berries or 2 Tbsp nuts
• 8 oz decaffeinated green or herbal tea
Snack:
• Sliced apple with 1 Tbsp natural peanut butter or 1/3 cup natural trail mix
Lunch
• 1 cup fresh spinach or lightly sautéed spinach or kale, squeezed with fresh lemon or orange juice or 1 cup asparagus with 1 tsp olive oil, garlic, and lemon juice
• 4 oz grilled, baked, or broiled salmon, chicken, or pork tenderloin, seasoned with spices such as lemon pepper
• 1/2 cup edamame beans, steamed
• 8 oz water or decaffeinated green or herbal tea
• 8 pecan halves
Snack:
• 1/2 sweet potato or one citrus fruit (orange or grapefruit)
• 4 oz low-fat yogurt
Dinner
• Large spinach or romaine salad with vegetables. Dress with 1 tsp extra-virgin olive oil mixed with lemon juice or vinegar (any variety)
• ½ cup to 1 cup asparagus or artichoke hearts, steamed
• 4 oz lean chicken with spices, baked or grilled
• ½ cup brown rice, barley, bulgur, or quinoa
• 8 oz water or decaffeinated green or herbal tea
Snack:
• ¾ cup to 1 cup blueberries or ½ cup pomegranate seeds
• 4 oz nonfat Greek yogurt or low-fat organic yogurt or low-fat cottage cheese
See? Simple, doable and definitely not crazy!

Reject me or Accept me

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."  ~Marilyn Monroe~

My mother during a difficult time gave birth to a baby girl named Carisma, Me. I am Carisma which means extraordinary power, majestic leadership and magnetic.  My charm and endurance has gotten me through some difficult times that an ordinary person would fall under.  Carisma that is me, a powerhouse of a woman that has exceeded all expectations placed on her by many and all that claimed I was doomed to fail.  I showed them all and I continue to show and prove that I am Carisma my mother's first child.

The view is so peaceful and serene.  Staring out the window watching all the people go by and wondering what their life must be like is my daily meditation.  Sitting in my plush office with everything a woman could ask for, I sometimes think how I made it this far.  My life hasn't been easy but I worked for everything I have ever gotten.  Often I step outside of myself to take a peek at the person that is getting so much attention, for me the view is different and distorted. I do not see what others see.  I see a woman that has endured a lot, worn out and at times look broken.  I am a fake, not real by any stretch of the imagination.  People see what you have, what you have accomplished and want what you can give them and nothing else.  Eventually you find yourself presenting to them what they want, trying to live up to the standards that are set up by some unwritten rule, society standards, parents standards, work standards, or what others want you to be.  The image I portray to the world is not who I really am, I am complicated even to myself.  Sometimes I do not even know who I am! Why cant I be me , the me I know I can be, the me I know and love and others may also learn to love that me as well.

Many people have crossed my path on my journey to the top, some good some not so good but it wasn't until 'her' that my life changed.  A chance encounter with her changed everything.  Chastity altered something in me, it was a light, a spark it was real.  People, and things around me no longer mattered and I started to become who I was meant to be.....'me'.  My life changed and the 'me' I know I could be was not what everyone wanted to see, I was no longer accepted. Many things will change. Many will get hurt. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Chastity is the other side of me..Chastity is me

Magic Beans

“What are you doing?” Jessica approached me from the side. She nearly scared me to death but I played if off well. The last thing I needed was to give her any ammunition to use against me because Jessica and the other mean girls would have something else to tease me about. I decided not to ignore her this time for fear of being pushed in the lake again. I had to walk all the way home dripping wet with mud while John the cutest boy in town watched. I was humiliated. So she had my undivided attention.

"Hi Jessica" I signed heavily, barely looking up and said, “Nothing just sitting here”.

Jessica looked back at her friends with a smirk and said, “You look like you are playing with beans. Are you going to eat those beans skinny Penny?” Everyone around her snickered at the little elementary rhyme she made up last year. She was so immature for twelve. I imagined pushing her in the lake in front of all her friends but I quickly erased the thought from my mind because I heard her mom was a mind reader.

Every summer I visited my Nana in Lakeland, Florida. And every year I had to deal with Jessica the town terror. Jessica preyed on anyone smaller than her.  The kids in our age group were all twelve, but Jessica is the size of a 15 year old, in height and weight. She labeled me a social outcast on my first visit 3 years ago. Her faithful followers told me one day when she was away, she was jealous of me because I was little and cute and that John the town hunk noticed me right away. Which I thought was a lie because John is cute and well I am just me Penny Brownstone. The kids in this town never fail to disappoint and always manage to succeed at being mean.  I think its a town rule that in order to live here you have to mean to others otherwise you don't fit in. Well, I did not fit in. Jessica used me for target practice religiously to get  a rise from anyone that was around. Even the adults were scared of Jessica.  I heard from one of the neighborhood kids that Jessica's mom was a mind reader and controlled everyone in the town with her mind control super powers.  Unfortunately, I could not get my Nana to confirm it, she just smiled and said "If you put your mind to it Penny anything is possible." My ears heard 'Yes, Penny there is a such a thing as a mind reader so be careful."  Normally I did not believe in mumbo jumbo stuff like that but who was I to take a chance and go against the town mind readers daughter?

Today was the one time I had something they would appreciate or so I thought. I jumped to feet and leaned in towards Jessica with courage and said, “For your information Jessica, these are no ordinary beans. These are Magic beans and when I plant them they….”

Jessica and her faithful followers laughed before I could finish telling them about my magic beans. “Magic beans?” Chris laughed until tears began leak from her hideous eye sockets. “Are you serious? She hiccuped and spat because she was laughing uncontrollably. "Who, who are you Jack and the Beanstalk?" Jessica almost choked laughing so hard.
Tears immediately began to roll down my face and I walked towards my Nana’s house to get away from them all. I hated it here and wanted to go home. They followed me a good ways, laughing hysterically. Along the way, John appeared and he seemed very sympathetic but I am sure it was another trick. John smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. He reached into his pocket, opened his fist and I was shocked to see his hand full of beans. They were the same as my beans, magic. We both smiled. He said, “Let’s go plant our beans!”

Jessica stopped laughing and  I looked back at the scowl on all their faces. She just stared with her mouth wide open. John and I walked towards the field to plant our beans.  Needless to say, when I returned the following summer, Jessica was gone to visit relatives and it turned out to be the best summer ever. Oh, and I heard from a reliable source that her mom did not have super powers arterial and none of the kids were afraid of her anymore. See my beans were magic after all!!!

Saturday 'To Do List'

Saturday was a busy busy busy day, hence I am blogging about today Sunday from my bed about Saturday. Before I get to the reason as to why I am in bed at 3:04 pm. Below is the 'check off' of my to do list, let me start from the beginning....

I woke up with a tummy ache, mostly likely do to the hot wings and wine on Friday. No complaints, the fact that I woke up breathing means I was given another chance, so congratulations are in order!! This does not camouflage the fact that the bed had a kung foo grip on my body but my TO DO list says to release the beast and keep it moving. Life is a battle... I got up and got moving, passed go and went to the Breakfast house for coffee and donut holes.

To Do List:

• Walmart: Take back pot set received from Christmas, birthday cards, memory card
• Post office to mail the birthday cards
• Malik game @ 12
• Help the Simons get their home in order

Walmart: check!

Got a deal on Paula Dean. I have been stalking her cooking collection for a while now. The pots I exchanged were not the same value but no matter, I was able to do the switch-a- roo and walk out with a smile. For those of you judging and pointing out the fact that I do not cook. No worries and luckily for you I am not responsible for you eating.

Basketball game @12: Check

We lost against the Mavericks but it was not an easy win! The boys never gave up and played a good and honorable game. 







Simons' New Home: Check

The Simon home is beautiful! Me and my troops marched in ready to get busy, okay that is a little exaggerated but you know what I mean. The Williams posse NEVER disappoints, they were on the scene looking broke down exhausted. They earned the right to be tired, they had been packing, moving, cleaning, organizing non stop since Wednesday night in 'cold as hell' degree weather. All in all, they did their thing and we were ready to do our part.

After taking a mini tour, it was time to get down with the get down.....a screeching HALT! The homeowners were MIA (missing in action) and no one wanted to budge until clear direction was given in what goes where, when or how! Understood. What else is there to do?  I know..lets eat! So I ordered some pizza so we could fuel up and get with it when the owner commanded!

Finally we were able to get started, cribs and beds were assembled. The garage organized, boxes broken down and non usable items put in the attic to store! Of course this took more than a few hours and we had comedy hour to keep us entertained through the work.   Michele dancing and the random cursing from the unexpected (no names)

 

The men worked it out when they arrived with the stove to maneuver it into the house. The journey was long, but finally after doing a comical dance across the lawn they finally made it to the front porch where they took a much needed rest. Finally after getting the stove into the house, a light bulb came on.....in order for a stove to work certain things are needed such as the gas line. Back to the store they go!

While we waited... workers gotta eat! Michele started up the pit to get the burgers going. (Good thing she removed her wig and didn't have on make up ..otherwise!!) Anyway, we all were safe and even encouraged her to add more lighter fluid to capture her posing by a blaze. That's my girl, always down for a challenge and a opportunity to give us that million dollar smile! She never disappoints!

In the background the fellas are testing the gas connection and mean while back at the ranch we are doing what ladies do, partaking in relaxation, conversation with a glass of wine....Moscato, and Sweet Red. 

 

At the end of the day as we said our goodbyes and wished the Simons' well, I walked from room to room taking a last peek at what was accomplished by family coming and working together in celebrating another accomplishment. The Williams posse, is what I miss at home. I know I know, I always bring things back to me, but isn't all my writing about me? My perspective, my experience and my view. Everyone had their role, their part in the move and we all made it happen to take as much pressure as possible off of Michele and Ian.  This is a perfect example of what families do, come together as a group to support who is important to them. There was no animosity, no jealously, just pure fun and hard work without complaint. Families unite in crisis and families unite in joy and Saturday it was pure JOY! I love my peeps and I would personally like to thank Diane (my momma), Deane (my sister), Butch (Cedric), TJ (my brother), Kamryn (my niece) and Mama Dorothy (my grandma) who made me laugh when she said "Shit" for being an example of a family.

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Well now you know why I am in the bed. See the cute girl in the pink shirt to the right, with the million dollar smile. There ya have it! I helped my favorite in-laws move yesterday and today I am broke down. Cute never felt so bad. My neck, my back, and my thighs burn. Waking up sore like this is not an option, starting tomorrow or Tuesday, I will start back exercising.  Thanks SIL for reminding me how out of shape I am in.

Happy Birthday Mom

In my Stevie Wonder voice

You know it doesn't make much sense

There ought to be a law against

Anyone who takes offense

At a day in your celebration

'Cause we all know in our minds

That there ought to be a time

That we can set aside

To show just how much we love you

And I'm sure you will agree

It couldn't fit more perfectly

Than to have a world party on the day you came to be

Chorus

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday

First and foremost I would like to wish my mommie, the light of my life, the woman who gave birthed me 40 years ago, a wonderful Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Mommie!! I love and miss you.

From: Me

To: You

A Mothers' Love

Undeniable

Undefineable

Unconditional

Traditional

A mothers' love

Is like no other love

A closeness

A veil of strength

A power of protection

A mothers' love

Should be cherished

Held Close

A mothers' love runs deep

A mothers' love is eternal

A mothers' love is forever

A mothers' love

by Petrina Bishop 2004

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Creamy Pasta Recipe‏

Yall know I have retired my chef hat and I rarely cook except for special occasions or when the children are starving for nutrition. A long long time ago, there was a time I cooked for every occasion, holidays, my family, my job, because it was Sunday after church and just because. Essence magazine was my bff because they have the best recipes ever and I was the recipe queen. Now..pfft! HOWEVER.. as of late in order to save $$ and to tap into my former creative cooking skills, I decided to test the waters. 

Honestly....Christmas Eve was the first time I recreated the master piece below. Do not get it twisted I do not have the cooking bug again, but I did have a moment of clarity. I wanted to make the holidays special for my family since I was not going home to Florida for the holidays. Christmas Eve it was Spicy seafood pasta and Christmas (and a few days after) we did it Louisiana style......Gumbo!

 The recipe below was entered into a cooking contest last year 2010 during a work event to celebrate Juneteenth. The contestant WON the grand prize. Folks were standing in line to get a taste of the creamy spicy creation and man was it worth it..see for yourself

Alfredo Sauce
1/2 cup of butter
1 pint heavy whipping cream
3 tbs minced garlic
3 cups shredded parmesan cheese
1 tsp salt (I used kosher)
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp cayenne pepper (you can use red pepper flakes but I don't like the seeds)
Fresh Parsley

1. Bring to a boil butter, cream, garlic and parsley.
2. Reduce to simmer and add cheese until melted
3. Add salk, pepper and cayenne pepper

  Ingredients: 
1lb penne pasta
 3 to 4 large chicken breast (cut into cubes) 
14 oz sliced smoked sausage
30-40 large peeled and deveined shrimp
1 cup slice onion
1 cup sliced bell pepper
1 tbs olive oil
blackening spice
1 cup salsa ( I like Borders)
1/4 cup chopped parsley
alfred sauce(above)

Directions:

1. Marinate chicken and shrimp overnight in separate zip lock bags in the blackening spice
2. Cook penne according to box directions 
3. Cook bell peppers and onions in olive oil until soft
4. Add marinated chicken and cook until done
5. Add smoked sausage and cook another 3 to 4 minutes
6. Add marinated shrimp an cook until done (additional 5 min)
7. Add the alfredo sauce and salsa
8. Add the penne pasta to the sauce

  WA LA--Note: If you suffer from acid reflux, either take your meds triple time or ease up on the cayenne pepper!

My Space~~~~

How corny is this....? This is my myspace page picture and profile verbiage.  Back then I was Syleena Johnson stalker LOVED LOVED LOVED her CD. (I still do by the way).  Do not laugh but my myspace is still active, no idea why, I very rarely log in but whats so funny is I still remember the made up email and password.  Is myspace even relevant? Remember when customizing pages, adding music and videos was the shizzy? Dang....gotta miss the customization. Change is not my friend and when facebook came on the scene I was not a fan but look at me now all involved and loyal to fb...tee hee. Myspace has definitely hit a bump in the road in the social network arena. So sad, do you miss it?

Syleena song belong got me thru some stuff, okayy?  And when it was time to make things happen her joint "Guess What" said it all. No games, no games! lol 

"I am looking for someone who knows how to be a friend and knows how to be a man.  Someone who could understand, Someone who can fulfill my needs and be all about me and KNOWS WHEN TO LET ME BREATHE because I gotta do my thing For me its been quite some time since I had someone to call mine.

And some could say I am a little picky and I am that way because I have to be.

 

Some men dont really understand me

I wont tolerate no Drama King.

I am looking for someone who can be down for me when I need them to be.

I am not looking for drama.

I am not looking for a complicated situation.

I am looking for someone that has good conversation.

And when it comes to love they never show hesitation

Is that you BABY?"

Lyrics by Syleena Johnson

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Wheezy~

December 19, 2010 Journal Entry

Yesterday was a special day it was Grandma B birthday We love you, we miss you, you are forever.

Definitely a long week, but by the Grace of God I made it! Darkness had moved in and settled for a moment but I fought a good fight and I see the light. No need to be fake here, where I write. I am fully aware that a lot of my unhappiness is me, it is all about me and up to me to think, feel and act differently.  Soon and very soon, I plan on changing the way I view things through this narrow lens I have created.

Right now, thinking, praying, smiling and wanting to cry.  There is no way I can be in Florida, sad? Yes, but is this the end of the world? No! I just need to change the way I think about it. My kids are with me, happy and healthy and my family seems to be moving along. Another year, another promise to be in a position to visit more often or at least during the holidays.

Faced with problems that are long way from being resolved is not easy to deal with especially during this time of the year.  My feelings are not always fair and my feels partial to me (smile), but it is the way I feel  (good, bad, indifferent). Sadly I can honestly say I have never been a relationship where I am first and not a after thought.

Sigh* ....the more I write the better I feel.  There is so much to be grateful for in my life. Really?

I accept responsibility and accountability for my life, it starts with me and ends with me.

Family, friends, all relationships are what you make it. I can do better. Be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, an overall better person. Happiness is a decision, and I truly want to be happy and it starts with me, it starts with me being happy with me. How hard can it be to accept oneself? How hard is it to love oneself? ...not easy when I never felt love or acceptance from anyone.

I miss my Grandma
Today is a beautiful day
and I am grateful for all
that I have and for those
that love me

Wheezy~

To my family~with love

While we like to believe we are in charge of our lives, in truth people in our lives and around us have a profound impact on us and who we become. Have you ever given advice to a friend or your children and you suddenly realize that your parents used those words? We’ve all done that. All your life you made a declaration to be nothing like those mean parents but yet you become them.

People influence our lives, some for the better and some not so much. Think of someone who impacted you in some way, a life-changing experience, or just one person who has affected you and left a footprint.


To my family and kids,

Every mistake I have ever made, I asked myself, “Why does it take all this to learn a lesson.” Well now I know why. Life is an experience that you only live once, but mistakes you re-live over and over again during a life time and once you get smart enough to realize what is important the mistakes become miniscule.

I want to personally thank everyone for loving me in spite of me. Through the course of my life and even now you put up with my funny ways, attitude, and smart mouth and OCD moments and for that I love you.

Grandma B: Words can not describe the value you brought into my life. No matter how lazy I was, or how much I lied about the stupidest stuff, you still loved me unconditionally. I look back at our time together and those summers and it’s almost a blur but I know this much, ‘you made me wash them dishes’. And for that I thank you. Thank you for waking me up at 5 am to get ready for church when it started at 9 am. Thank you for making me clean up your mess even when I refused because it was not my mess. Thank you helping my mother with us so she could be there for us when we needed her to be. Thank you for being you. You are missed and forever loved. You were our heartbeat and through that I remain strong in all things and for that I thank you. I love you.

Mom: What can I say ma? I am your eldest daughter and you are my only mother. We had some difficult times, but I always knew you were there and waned the best for me. It may have seemed like I didn’t appreciate everything you did for me but I did. As embarrassing as it was, I appreciated the home made clothes, the knock off designer clothes that I turned my nose up at, I understand now how hard it is to parent alone (emotionally and financially). Through all the screaming and mean mom stuff, I knew you were looking out for what was best for me. As I look back; I am who I am because of you and only you. I saw a hard working mother; you worked 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet. You never gave up even when times were hard and we had some hard times in Washington D.C and in Florida. Thank you for being an example of strength. Thank you for being so patient and loving me when I didn’t even love myself. I love you for everything.

Vernon: In the beginning I didn’t know any better and thought you were my everything. I compared my little boyfriends to you and none of them could compare to my daddy. You my daddy growing up and I loved you unconditionally. You played a pivotal part in my life and the majority of my relationships and mistakes were based on what I got from you. Do not get me wrong, I had free will and home training to do and make all my choices but a father is so suppose to be an example for a daughter of what to look for in a good man. I say all that to say this, I do love you and because of you and what I went through and I love me some me. No one is perfect but we are accountable especially to our children. My heart won’t allow me to harbor any ill feeling toward you because everyone deserves to be loved even when they don’t deserve it. I do love you I always have despite of, you just never took the time to know it and appreciate it. However I do cherish the times you did spend with me. You had me up late at night listening to Malcolm X and you preaching power to the people. I appreciate you telling me to act like a lady when I wasn’t. I appreciate you telling me how I looked and acted through the eyes of a man. I can appreciate a lot of things because you did bring value to my life in some ways. I remember we were bike riding down a street in Perry and a dog start chasing me and I yelled “Daddy help”, you turned around and kicked that dog. You were my hero that day. That was the first and last time I called you daddy. I love you because that is all I know how to do when it comes to you.

Yasha: My dear sweet “blond” sister. Girl we have had some times together haven’t we? We can do “remember when” and never run out of things to discuss. Time does fly when you are having fun. We were like yin and yang, and the odd couple, in a way, loved each others faults but so completely different. I know I have not been the best example for you growing up but I definitely made an entrance. I laid the foundation of what NOT to do..lol! “Little Ms. Perfect Yasha’, Girl I was so jealous of you when you were born, so black, chubby and pretty, you took all my thunder. Whether you know it or not you are my best friend. Time, experiences and many people have changed a lot of things between us but all in all I know I can depend on you. I look to you for good advice which is not necessarily what I always to hear but what I needed to hear and I look to others to co-sign on my BS. Thanks for taking my verbal butt whooping in stride. I was so proud of you because I loved your strength when it came to men, loyalty to your family and commitment to your career/education. That was supposed to be me, my life, single, going to school, enjoying life and friends and I lived vicariously through you. In my eyes you have always had it easy and I envied that. Now I know it was not all easy but it looked that way because you have such a good personality and attitude. You are an inspiration. Always upbeat even when you sad and always have nice things to about people even when they have wronged you. Do me one favor—stop being a tattle tale. I love ya gal!

Lawrence: The youngest hell raiser in the family. Always passionate about being mad at something. When you were young I got into trouble if I did or if I didn’t when it came to you. I loved and hated you at the same time. You were the child mommy made no secret about that she always wanted…a boy! So I took it upon myself to torture you, if I was going to get into trouble for doing nothing I might as well make it worth it! Lol. Kidding. We are two peas in a pod. Same side of the coin yet different. Weird right? I guess that is why we were not really close because we were too much alike, hot headed, rude, vocal and always ready to fight. Well we grown now. I have to say I am so proud of you. You are a darn good father, considering you had no example, you doing darn good! Life isn’t easy but the worst thing a man can do is make excuses. Excuses hold you hostage to failure, giving up and never trying. You have so many skills, lil bro put them to work and make it happen. Success is not over night it is on-going. Be a good example to your daughters so that they understand that no matter whatever the obstacle ‘keep it moving’. Life to short and you do not want to leave behind regrets, but memories. Love ya bro!

Diontrae’: Me being a young mother we kind of grew up together with me being more like a friend than a mother. You turned out well, if I do say so myself. I know I was not all that you needed me to be but just know I did the best I could with what little I knew. And if I had to do things all over again, I wouldn’t miss a beat with you. You are the best kid ever and a joy, and heartbeat of my life. When I tell people about my children I always say “D is my best child, no issues. I can honestly say behavior wise, I had no issues, no drama. You were always different, unique and I admire that about you. You choose friends carefully, and surround yourself with what makes you happy. You have always stood for something, which is why you don’t fall for anything. I am so proud of you and all that you have accomplished. I love you for who are and I love me some you.

Tiauna: My Rock. Since the day you were born, the way you forcefully pushed your way out without waiting on the doctor or me and tore my butt up (literally), I knew you were my strongest child in love, commitment, and life You have always been so passionate and strong willed but meek and humble also. It was because of your strength that I leaned on you for support during some difficult times and now I know I leaned a little too much and too often. Any mistakes you have made, I do except my part of the responsibility because you grew up to soon. We have all made mistakes dear, the key to mistakes is learning from them. I am absolutely proud of the turn around in your attitude, grades and commitment to be better. Regardless of what anyone says, you have always lived by your own rules and shy (putting it mildly) away from anyone telling you what to do. Continue to stand firm in what you believe and in your opinions but be open to making adjustments in order to self improve. I have always told you that you were no accident, planned from the beginning, meant to be here. I have confidence that you will be successful in your career and life. I love you.


Malik: In Arabic means King—to possess, acquire, to be the owner of, to control, dominate, to exercise power; In Asia it means Leader. Born August 11 a Leo: Ambitious, courageous, strong willed, positive, independent, and self-confident. Born to lead


“The Wiz”! When Malik comes, he is always blazing whether it is physically or verbally in any given situation. One thing I know I can count on with you….your opinion, at times unwanted, unsolicited and unappreciated and it’s always on time. Man you were ‘TAZMANIA” as a child. If you didn’t look so much like your dad, I would have thought you switched at birth. Such a boisterous personality, you are on both sides of the crazy coin, more so on your dad side than mine. (smile) You definitely made me work at this parent thing, no room for parent slacking when it came to you. You have grown into a handsome young man that I take 100% credit in molding. You are honest about what you feel, passionate about what want, committed to things you want in life. The random, witty remarks are not only funny but worth writing down for a future best seller (consider it). You definitely have a personality of a leader. I admire your eagerness to learn, ask questions that no one else will dare to ask and listen when you want to learn something new. Your focus is prejudiced but when you commit you give 100%. I love your protective, territorial nature and instincts when it comes to me. Selfish as you are I always feel your love for me. It makes me feel so good that you are aware of how people treat me and other people you care about. You always say “I want a man to treat my momma like a Queen and to be respectful”. You open doors for me, hug me when I am sad, correct me when I am wrong, defend me when I am scared. I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life. Continue to be the example you preach about. Continue to be you. Never give up on your dreams because you can do and be anything you want. You are meant to do great things hence MALIK. For me: Stay on a positive path and stick to your dreams and never give up on yourself. Nothing is easy, and anything worth having requires hard work.

PS. When you make it to the NBA, I will hold you to that promise of buying me that big fancy house.


Wheezy~~

Poetry Corner

I got FLOWERS today..

We had our first argument last night,

he said  a lot of cruel
things that really hurt me.

I know he is sorry and he didn't mean the things he said

Because he sent me flowers today

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or
any other special day.

 Last night he threw me into a wall
and choked me.

It seemed like a nightmare,

I couldn't believe it was real.

I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over
 I know he must be sorry

 Because he sent me flowers today,

I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day.

Last night, he beat me up again,

it was much worse than all the
other times.

 If I leave him what will I do?

How will I take care of my kids?

What about money?

I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.

But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,

Today was a very special day,

It was the day of my funeral.

Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him I would not have gotten flowers today....

"Fed Up" Dialogue

Cali was “fed up” with Levi and his rude, overbearing mother. This was the last and final straw, the camels back had broke and the fat lady sang her last damn song.

“My mind is made up, Levi it’s over, I am leaving you”

After 17 years, 2 children and the usual marital problems, Levi’s mother had slapped her in the face because she refused to give her money for the gambling boat. Cali took a step back, grabbed her face in shock that she was assaulted by her mother in law. A welt began to rise on my face from the unexpected hit. Cali leaned slightly to the right; with her fingers closed she drew back her hand to return the left handed compliment to her mother in law old pudgy face. She was going to knock her on her ass.

Levi sprang in front of Cali just has her hand struck him in the face and he stumbled back from the force of the blow.

Levi stared glossy eyed at the Cali, devastated that she would even think of leaving him. He could not believe he had let the issues between his mother and wife spiral out of control. He loved his wife and his mother but their contempt for each other had him standing at a cross road and both directions led to a dead end.

“Do not do this Cali please.” He pleaded. “I am begging you.”

“Really? Please don’t beg you are going to need your energy to deal with your mother.” Cali said angrily.

“Don’t you dare beg that, that woman to stay in our house.” Levi’s mother interrupted them. “Cali has never cared for you or me. She has always been envious of our close relationship, let her ass leave!”

I laughed at the irony of this situation. This leech had some nerve to come into my home and rally for me to leave. "Gladly, you two co dependant freaks deserve one another".

“She is not walking out on us mother, she is walking out on me, because of you.” Levi yelled. "Now please leave us alone so we can talk".

“You watch your tone; your father would turn over in his grave at….” Levi turned to his mother with a menacing stare which stopped her mid sentence. She glared back in fear at her son’s obvious contempt for her.

“Daddy is dead because of you.” He screamed. “He was going to leave you before he died and now I know why. Now shut up and sit down and let me talk to my wife” The dribble in the corner of Levi’s’ glistened in the light.

Cali was stunned at her husbands’ sudden courage in confronting his mother. She was kinda turned on by his sudden ability to put his old biddy mother in her rightful place. Her mother in law had been a thorn in their side since the day they had gotten married. She was a needy, greedy, unhappy and made it a point to stay in the middle of her and Levi’s relationship in order to control Levi by any means necessary.

Levi stood in shock as his mother grabbed her chest and fell to the floor.

Cali smirked; convinced it was a MIL manipulation tactic to get attention, or was it?

A Mothers Love

A Mothers' Love

Undeniable

Undefinable

Unconditional

Traditional

A mothers’ love

Is like no other love

A closeness

A veil of strength

A power of protection

A mothers' love

Should be cherished

Held close

A mothers’ love is eternal

Its forever

To Grandmothers house we go.

My Grandparents home in Perry, Florida. Both Ephriam and Barbara Tillman lived in this home for most of their life and if only the walls could speak.  This is not the way I remember my Grandma's house but this is the way it looks today since my Grandma passed April 29, 2007. The physical dwelling is nothing fancy, and it was never fancy but it was our home. That house holds our memories, our hearts and our history.

My memory is not what it use to be, but what I can remember is very vivid, and makes me smile and makes me cry. We visited Grandma every summer. Of course, I was usually ambivalent about going because I didn’t knew what to expect from those summer visits. Grandma was not the stereotypical grandma that wore her hair pulled and pinned in bun or had so many tight curls that look as if her head was squeezed. Nor did she bake home cookies, pies , knit or sew.  My Grandma was real, just gave you just enough affection to show you love and just as many ass whooping to prove she didn’t play.

Road trips to Perry were pretty uneventful.The drive alone was enough to make a kid crazy, me in particular. Three hours was like an eternity and it only fueled my bad attitude about being forced to go in the first place.  I could not understand why my mother made me go to grandma’s house.  I wasn’t stupid so I never asked for fear of being beat and I just took it with stride and made the best of my summers. Now looking back I would not have changed anything because if not for those summer vacation, I would not be partly who I am today. Really, what was there to complain about, I slept most the way to Perry and once I got there, I was on vacation right? The small town warmth brought back so many memories from the previous summer and the smell of Buckeye permeated the air in Taylor county miles before you actually entered Perry and those moments brought the excitement to the surface and I could not wait to see my BFF Angela Williams as well as my Grandma Ruth and Grandpa Jessie. Life was good!

The excitement was overwhelming and my patience would run thin when we finally made it to town but my mother slowly drove down Bacon street towards Grandma’s house. I would sit up in my seat and stretch my neck as we got closer to the house but it was difficult to see the house because it sat back of the road.  My grandparents never disappointed, as to be expected both Grandma B and Grand daddy Ephriam were sitting on the porch in their rockers smoking their cigars.  She would stand up as we pulled into the dirt drive way and walked to the edge of the porch with her cigarette in tow and a hand on her hip.

“Yall had me worried; I expected yall a few hours back. What happened?” she would say.

“Nothing Barbara, we started a little later than expected and stopped a few times to gas up.” My momma said as she walked to towards the house

“Well, I was worried. Yall hungry?”

“Hey grandma.” I said carrying all my stuff I brought on the trip.

We never really hugged, it more like a half hug but I knew that was her way.

“Hey grand daddy.” I said leaning into him as sat in the rocker never really moving in my direction.

“Ah yea, how you” he said in a husky raspy voice from years of smoking.

We finally made.  I opened the screen door and walked into the house. To a little kid, the house was huge, and scary, yet it resembled a mansion in comparison to the apartment I lived in with my mother.  I would hunch my shoulders and walk towards my room down the long hallway to the first room on the left. I would stare into the small over crowded room with the two over sized twin beds that left very little wiggle room.  I sat on the bed furthest away from the door and inhaled the stale scent of the room, I thought even during the day the house was dark and intimidating.  However during the day it was alright but at night when I sleeping in a room alone it was the scariest place ever.  The last thing I wanted even though I was the eldest was to admit to my siblings that I was afraid of the dark.  The darkness suffocated me and I always felt alone and helpless.  Sometimes I boldly stared into the darkness and dared whatever was there to bother with me, I dared the darkness to hurt me, a little kid. After hours and hours of staring, I smelled coffee and cigarettes, the birds chirping outside my window, then the screen door would open and close with bang and then I knew the darkness had passed and my Grandma was up preparing for the day.

My grandma was everything to me although I never really showed it. Growing up you would not think that she was a grandmother because she was very trendy, sported her wig as if it were her own and her mind was sharp as a tack. She was definitely not the stereotypical grandmother and I definitely appreciated that about her. She interacted with us and did some typical grandmotherly things with like grew a garden of fresh vegetables and let up pick the peas for dinner, cook soulful meals, and took us to church regularly.  She wasn’t a real affectionate and the hugs and kisses were few and far between but she was a lot of fun.

I miss….

The innocent nudity~

The front part of the house was hotter than hades most days in the summer.  There was only one air conditioning unit and it was located in the den.  The heat was suffocating and the windows were always open, as well as the front door but it did very little to stop the heat. The screen door was no help because it trapped us in with the heat. Grandma would walk around the house freely with only cotton shorts and slippers. Grandma had no shame in her game, I mean, NO BRA, NO SHIRT…of course with Granddaddy being the man he was in the community town folk would drop by for one reason or another and it always seemed that they showed up right at the moment she was walking past the kitchen into the den hanging loose! PEEP SHOW

“Hey Tillman  ….” An uninvited guest would stand on the porch peeping into the house.

“OH SHIT!” grandma would yell and grab her breast and take off running down the hall for some clothes. She immediately returned apologetically but was never embarrassed. I giggled

I miss….

Being embarrassed at church during service when the choir sang and Grandma would be the loudest one in the congregation singing with so much passion, but so off key. I would stare at her and wonder if she knew her voice bad. She butchered ‘At The Cross’…..

At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now I am happy all the day!

Today when we sing this song during worship, I see and hear my grandma singing off key.

Thanksgiving. It became our family tradition for everyone to meet in Perry for Thanksgiving weekend. There is no place like home~

Home cooked meals...greens, ox tails, yams, corn bread and fried fish

Sitting in the den complaining about them hogging the only TV to watch baseball all day

Grandma trying to get my attention by calling me everyone's name in the family until she remembered mine

Grandma calling my mother and telling on me because I refused to clean the kitchen because I living up to being on vacation

Borrowing her Harlequin Romance novels

Chasing me around with a switch because I talked back

Pulling the heads off the fried fish, she caught on her fishing trips then coming home to cook them for us

Burning my scalp with the hot comb to prepare for church

Waking me up at 6am for church and service started at 9:30

Grandma sitting on the porch in her favorite rocker, with her left hanging over the arm and cigarette ashes piled up on the ground around her

The smell of the huge tree in the front yard that provided shade to the porch

The $50 checks for Christmas

Her eating always eating the leftovers off my plate

I miss my Grandma~

Grandma could be very meddlesome and sometimes overbearing and tended to push people around and away because she was honest. She said some of hurtful things. She tried to be nice but sometimes I think she just couldn't help being stuck in her ways. But she would not have been who she was to me, if not everything I shared with her in my life ~My Grandma

R.I.P

Barbara Jean Tillman

December 18, 1932 to April 29, 2007

I miss….

I miss….